Savage Beauty: Alexander McQueen Retrospective at the V&A

The very first time I became of aware of Lee Alexander McQueen was in 1995 when he presented his Autumn/Winter collection entitled "Highland Rape", inspired by both his own Scottish roots and the Highland Clearances which followed the Jacobite Uprising in the 1700's.  It was only his fifth show since his graduate collection in 1992 and became notorious, not just among the fashionistas but by the general press, for the controversy it generated.  First there was the name; then there was the fact models were sent down the runway looking bruised and battered, staggering along in often ripped and torn outfits.  There was also, of course, the "bumster" trousers.  At just fourteen, I was spellbound.

Let's be clear: I was never the sort of teenager who read 'Vogue' or, quite frankly, gave two hoots what she looked like or what was 'in'.  (Actually, I still don't, but that's by-the-by...)  In fact I probably wouldn't have even noticed McQueen if it hadn't been for the media outrage the show produced, but when I saw the tartan-and-wool-and-leather-and-lace-clad models lurching down the runway I was mesmerised.  Everything about the clothes screamed "what-the-hell-was-he-thinking?!!" but to me it was completely and utterly fantastical.  Obviously you couldn't wear one of the "Highland Rape" outfits to pop to the shops or anything, unless you were Isabella Blow, maybe, but even so there was something so brash, so forceful about the collection that I couldn't help but sit up and take notice.  

Fast forward to 2001 and the Spring/Summer catwalk shows.  Yet again, there was controversy.  Yet again, it was Alexander McQueen.  Yet again, I was enraptured.  "Voss" was a piece of theatrical genius - sod the clothes, this, like most if not all McQueen catwalk shows, was all about the performance.  The show was set in a giant box made of two-way mirrors, forcing the audience to stare at themselves until the show started and the box lit up to reveal a lunatic asylum.  The audience could now see in but the models, such as Kate Moss and Erin O'Connor, couldn't see out.  The show ended with the sight of fetish model Michelle Olley reclining naked on a couch wearing a type of gas mask and breathing through a tube while covered in moths.  It was, quite frankly, bonkers.  This wasn't just fashion, it was performance art, theatre and the circus all rolled into one.  I couldn't actually have cared less about the clothes back then but the actual show, the sheer ballsiness of it, was just phenomenal.  For McQueen the actual theme of the catwalk shows came first and he then designed his collections around them, unlike most designers who do the frocks first and then think about how the bloody hell they're going to get the models down the runway, and it shows.  Alexander McQueen catwalk shows were legendary; more than that, they always looked bloody good fun!  God knows I'm not thin enough or striking enough to be a model but I would have chewed my own arm off to be able to walk for McQueen.  Knowing him, he'd have incorporated the arm-chewing into the actual show...

When Lee McQueen committed suicide in 2010, just a few days after the death of his mother, I was genuinely saddened.  I remain almost entirely indifferent to fashion - my stubborn fourteen year old mantra of "I'll wear what I like and I don't care if it's not trendy" has tended to become my stubborn thirty-two year old mantra as well - but there are a few designers I tend to keep an eye on every now and then.  Vivienne Westwood, because her vintage designs were so bonkers-brilliant I would quite literally kill someone to be able to have one, is one.  Alexander McQueen was the other.  It's always sad when someone commits suicide but even more so when you can see how much potential they still had, and Lee McQueen had that in spades.  I remain firmly convinced that, had he lived, he would have gone on to create even more flabbergasting and wondrous shows; with his background as a tailor his clothes were masterpieces of precision cutting and intricately-simple design, and it saddens me to ponder what might have been.  This state of mind was only affirmed today when I went with my Adored GBF to see "Savage Beauty", the Alexander McQueen 'retrospective' at London's ever-brilliant Victoria and Albert Museum.  Seeing all those fabulous, fantastical outfits in one place only made me realise what a talent he'd been and how much more he could have created...it was, in a way, deeply moving.  It also reminded me how many gorgeous pieces he created which I covet with covety...covetousness.

I highly doubt if I'll ever be able to afford an Alexander McQueen original (and even if I could I suspect I may balk at the price - fashionable couture is, quite frankly, exorbitantly and prohibitively expensive - but if there was one outfit from all of his remarkable back catalogue I could own it would be this one:

Taken from the stunning Autumn/Winter 2006 collection "The Widows of Culloden", this is McQueen at his absolute best (in my opinion.  No doubt the fashionistas will heartily disagree).  Once again drawing on his own Scottish roots and the Jacobite Rising so vividly brought to life in "Highland Rape", the clothes featured the McQueen tartan and was a deeply personal collection, one which reflected Lee McQueen's Romantic (with a capital R as in the Victorian Romantics) inspirations.  I love this dress.  It's possibly my favourite thing he has ever done ("Widows of Culloden" remains my favourite of his collections) and, what is more, is deeply and eminently wearable.  How I refrained from, um, 'borrowing' it while at the V&A remains something of a mystery now I think about it...

Savage Beauty is at the Victoria and Albert Museum until August 2nd 2015.

Revisting Mark Steven Johnson's "Daredevil"...

When 20th Century Fox announced they were to make a 'Daredevil' movie, I was ridiculously overexcited.  Matt Murdock had long been a favourite superhero of mine; I'd first discovered him through his associations with my all-time favourite Black Widow and what really endeared me towards 'The Man Without Fear' was the fact that, unlike a lot of Supers in those days, you actually saw Daredevil bleed, or go to the ER, or just generally look like he'd actually, y'know, been in a fight.  And unlike a lot of his fellow Marvel Supers, apart from his enhanced senses, there actually wasn't anything 'super' about him.  Thor's a Norse God, Cap's a Super Soldier...Matt Murdock is just some guy from a working class background who was blinded by toxic waste and as a result, like a lot of blind people, found the rest of his senses adapted.  (Although his were slightly more elevated, but this is comic books so who needs reality, right?)  Not a lot of people knew who Daredevil was - even people who don't like comic books have heard of Batman, for example - so I was thrilled to learn my guy was finally going to get his moment in the sun.  Maybe then I wouldn't have to constantly explain to people who he was and why I was reading it; people would go see the film, like they did with X-Men, and not only would comic movies be A Thing again but Matt Murdock would finally get his share of the glory.

Oh, the irony...

When the film finally came out in 2003, I was 21.  It just so happened that release day was one of my day's off from uni, so I went to the very first showing on the day of release.  At 11.30am there was me and six guys who were, without being unkind, the living embodiment of the Male Geek stereotype (seriously.  There was one guy who I'm pretty sure was the Inspiration for Captain Sweatpants in The Big Bang Theory); we sat in that screen waiting for the off and you could just feel the expectation.

Well.  One guy walked out halfway through with a loud comment of "this is shit!"  The rest of us, while in agreement, stuck it out to the bitter end.  I have never been so disappointed in my life.  I could have cried.  My beloved Matt was a laughing stock; to this day, 'Daredevil' is used as a punchline about comic book movies, an example of "what not to do".  And needless to say DD did not get the kind of recognition I thought he deserved, because after that crapfest people would look at my reading material, snort derisively and say, "oh yeah, that was that shitty Ben Affleck movie, wasn't it?"

I haven't seen the film since.  I couldn't bear to, it was too painful; having spent most of the cinema screening alternately frustrated, upset and really, really angry it just didn't seem worth the blood pressure risk.  But time is a healer, or so they say and so when I saw the film was on again last night (thanks E4), I decided to wipe all trace of 21 Year Old Me's bitter vitriolic disappointment from my mind and watch it again.  Just in case.  After all, plenty of films that were regarded as utter travesties when first released have gone onto become cult classics; who's to say 'Daredevil' can't join that select band?  And so I recorded it and watched it again this afternoon, with an open mind and an open notebook to jot my thoughts down, and this is what I discovered...

It wasn't - surprisingly - as terrible as I remembered.

Oh sure, the flaws are there, and some of them are pretty hefty flaws at that.  Like the script, for example.  (Which is, after all, a fairly substantial part of a film).  The plot itself isn't too bad; it pretty much does what it needs to for an 'origin story' movie, giving you the background to how Matt Murdock becomes Daredevil; setting up the friendship between Matt and Foggy Nelson, which was such an integral part of the stories; establishing the equally important relationship between Matt/Daredevil and reporter Ben Ulrich; and brings in two of Daredevil's key villains in the form of Bullseye and Kingpin.  Bringing in Elktra was equally useful, given the relationship she and Daredevil have had over the years; all in all, although some bits of it felt a bit rushed, like the 'romance' between Elektra and Matt, it isn't technically that terrible.  Unfortunately, the script itself is.  It's the cheesiest of cheese-fests, and for a 'comic book' movie that's saying something.  Some of the lines in it made me want to vomit (Elektra telling Matt at the ball that she wanted to look pretty for him), and others made me laugh out loud.  I know most comic book movies aren't meant to be Shakespeare and while some, like 'Guardians of the Galaxy' are meant to be funny, 'Daredevil' doesn't seem to know if it's an action film or a comedy yet tries to be completely po-faced all the way through.  And it doesn't work.  Strike One.

Then there's the acting.  Jaysus.  Now I like Ben Affleck; he's been in some of my favourite films, and usually he's eminently watchable unless you're talking about 'Gigli', but I just didn't buy him as either Matt Murdock or Daredevil.  Again, kind of a major problem for a film in which he's playing the hero/antihero.  (That being said, I don't buy Charlie 'Stardust' Cox either, so I have a horrible feeling the upcoming Netflix series isn't going to do much for my beleaguered DD's reputation either).  There were points when I actually laughed out loud, especially in the scenes where Affleck is required to do is 'blind acting' and just sort of stares vaguely into the middle distance somewhere.  This is the guy who was so awesome in all those Kevin Smith comedies, or in 'Good Will Hunting' and 'Shakespeare in Love'?!!  This is the guy who directed and starred so brilliantly in 'The Town' and ''Argo'?!!  Holy Crap on a Cracker, dude, what happened?!!  And it's not just Affleck, either.  There seemed little to no point in having Jennifer Garner in the movie; it pains me to say it, but the girl who whupped ass in 'Alias' was not present in this movie.  They could have maybe made the film better if they hadn't bothered with the whole 'Elektra' subplot...and that in turn would have spared all of us the terrible 'Elektra' movie which followed on from 'Daredevil'.  And what the hell was Colin Farrell thinking?!!  Now I bloody love Colin Farrell; I think he's a tremendous actor who has, no doubt thanks to some of his more, um, interesting choices of film (like 'Daredevil') been badly underrated.  His performance in 'Tigerland', for example, is incredible, but in this?  Fuck-a-duck, it's like the worst example of pantomime villainy ever!!  He's not even trying!!  Then again, who am I to judge - maybe it was an easy pay day for him?  But considering in the original stories Bullseye is one of the most psychotic and frankly unnerving villains there is; in the film, however, he just becomes a laughing stock.

Thank god for the smaller supporting roles, then, starting with the late lamented and sorely missed Michael Clarke Duncan as Kingpin.  Now I will hold my hands up and say when this bit of casting was announced I was one of those who immediately revolted.  Wilson Fisk, aka Kingpin, is not black in the comic books.  Now ordinarily I would say "well, does it matter?" but this is Comic Books - can you imagine if they cast a black Batman?!  But actually it was a genius, genius bit of casting; not only was MCD a phenomenal actor but he brings just the right amount of gravitas, underlying menace and sheer physical presence to the role that it doesn't matter whether he's black, white or a Purple People Eater: he was Kingpin.  Jon Favreau and Joe Pantoliano as Foggy Nelson and Ben Ulrich respectively are also great in smaller, perhaps underused, supporting roles, and Scott Terra as the young Matt Murdock is also very good.  But when the film is supposed to hang on your main characters and you actually don't believe in them, all the great supporting players in the world can't rescue it.  Strike Two.

Then we come to the fights.  There are (surprisingly) more fights than I remembered in the movie, but dear God!  For an action movie which is supposed to be based on a series of comic books the fights in this are laughable!!  The initial 'fight' between Elektra and Matt when they first meet is both pointless and stupid and they don't get much better from there.  The final Big Showdown between Bullseye and Daredevil in the church has some fairly decent parts, but overall even that is pretty appalling.  The potential was there for something really spectacular but it just becomes both predictable and, frankly, uninteresting.  Strike Three.

Then we hit a bonus Strike: the costume.  Now I know it's a 'comic book movie' and, with the best will in the world, comic book creators and the artists they use to bring the characters to life don't tend to be especially realistic.  Superman wears his lycra pants over his lycra onesie, for goodness sake, and there seems to be some sort of special discount for superheroes at the PVC and leather outfitters.  (If you're female, of course, then you just wear similar stuff but either skimpier, tighter or both).  And I also appreciate that, for a costume designer who has to try and translate what's on the page into something they can actually get an actor into, it must be a nightmare; they changed Elektra's costume for the movie and I have to say I'm glad they did because her original red outfit would just have been ridiculous.  But Daredevil's costume in this is just...lord.  Bring out the gimp.  Seriously, I was expecting someone to say that at some point and it wouldn't have felt out of place.  I'd actually forgotten how terrible it was.  Daredevil doesn't have the flashiest costume or anything, but that was just...yeuch.

All that being said, however - and believe me, "all that" does in fact reflect my overall impression of the film being utter shite - there were a few gleams of light which I'd genuinely forgotten about.  The acting of Michael Clarke Duncan, Jon Favreau and Joe Pantoliano was excellent, and the flashbacks to Matt's childhood with Scott Terra playing Matt were excellent.  The scene where he wakes up in the hospital blind and discovers his hearing has stepped in to make up the difference...he was excellent.  And, actually, the visual effects weren't completely terrible either.  The bit on the rooftop where Matt "sees" Elektra in the rain is pretty cheesy and naff, but the SFX where they show Matt being blinded and some of the other bits were pretty good.  The opening shot of Daredevil draped over the cross atop the church is a nod to the excellent artwork of Alex Maleev, whose work on Daredevil with the brilliant Brian Michael Bendis remains one of my favourite takes on the character.  I'd totally forgotten that moment, and what it represented, and so it was a real joy to see.

But the real gems were really hidden: spotting legendary 'Daredevil' comic writer Frank Miller (who is, of course, A Legend in the comic book world in his own right) had a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo as the biker who gets his bike nicked by Bullseye, ending up with a pen through his forehead.  And the real joy for me, one I had either missed in my original "what-the-hell-have-they-done?!" rantings or had just genuinely forgotten about, was the insertion of some of the 'Daredevil' comic legends into the film.  Actor Kevin Smith (Silent Bob himself), for example, plays a forensic assistant named Kirby - a nod to the Marvel Legen that was Jack Kirby, co-creator with Stan Lee of many of the publishers famous characters.  Stan Lee himself continues the tradition he started in the first X-Men film with a cameo, playing a guy reading a newspaper whom the young Matt Murdock stops walking out into traffic.  And, most brilliantly of all, in the flashback scene to Matt's childhood we learn who some of his boxer father's opponents were during his comeback: Romita, Miller, Mack and Bendis are all some of the great writers (John Romita Senior and Junior, Frank Miller, David Mack and Brian Michael Bendis respectively) who have worked on Daredevil over the years.  I actually shrieked at that point; for a DD fangirl, it was pure win.

Sadly, not even that could save 'Daredevil' from being a letdown all over again.  It wasn't as terrible as I remembered, certainly, but it will never stand up as one of the great comic book movies and it seems Matt Murdock is destined to never get the mainstream recognition I feel he he deserves.  I won't say my hatred of this movie is as vitriolic as it was the first time I saw it - it was a reasonable enough way to spend a couple of hours on a chilly Sunday afternoon - but I definitely won't be rushing out to buy it.  Not even the directors cut, which apparently has 30 extra minutes but does nothing to sort out the major problems, and has a big focus on yet another new character played by Coolio.  Absence did not, in this case, make the heart grow fonder; 'Daredevil' is still a disappointment especially, now my initial fury has subsided and I was able to watch it more dispassionately, when you can see there are enough seeds in there for it to have been really, really good...and therein lies my frustration and my disappointment.  There are good bits, things which could have made a really great movie, but they were crowbarred aside for other, less good and more rushed, things, which is ultimately where 'Daredevil' fails.  It's such a shame.  It's such a waste.  And it's so bloody, bloody frustrating...

You Never Forget Your First (Fictional) Crush(es)...

My taste in men has always been slightly weird.  While my first 'real world' crush was Jason Donovan on 'Neighbours' I was under no illusions it was ever going to go anywhere; Jason, after all, had Kylie, and four year old me had absolutely nothing on the pint-sized pop princess.  (Come to think of it, thirty-two year old me doesn't have anything on her either).  It didn't matter, however, because by then I had discovered my first Real Love and the pattern was set: my ideal man was going to be slightly 'odd' and I was going to be a Geek because said crushes tended to be in slightly geeky things.  It's a pattern that hasn't really changed...

My first crush, at the tender age of about three, was Troy Tempest from 'Stingray'.  (Anyone who dares to mention the fact my beloved Captain Tempest is a puppet whose head is bigger than his body will be summarily executed, got it?)  I loved Troy Tempest with all my heart, and I remember to this day being filled with irrational (to me, then, because I didn't really understand it) anger and hatred towards Marina in the show.  That bloody mermaid.  She didn't even speak, for God's sake!!!  I was firmly convinced Troy needed to get over the drippy mute and marry me instead; clearly I hadn't quite sussed the logistics of such a thing, but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.  Other men may have come along since then but Troy will always hold a special place in my heart...

Just look at that handsome face...those big blue eyes...the square jaw...I'm sorry, what?  Were we talking...?

Now Troy might have been a puppet but at least he was human(oid).  My second crush, far more long-lasting (and perhaps slightly disturbing) was...well, I don't really know.  Half man, half cat maybe?  But I was besotted with Lion-O from 'Thundercats' - I mean really, truly, properly besotted.  Which, now I see it there in black-and-white, makes me think I perhaps need some sort of intervention, but still.  It was Love.  My best friend James had the Sword of Omens (not the real one, obviously.  That would be weird...) and we would play 'Thundercats' all the time, running up and down the road yelling "Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats - HO!!" like some demented annoying vagabond imps.  James was never allowed to be Lion-O, though (although I was always Cheetara, which is hilarious considering I never run for anything) because there was only one Lion-O and James, bless him, clearly wasn't it.  I watched the show avidly, often with James, and it was by far the greatest thing we had ever seen.  Even though Mumm-Ra scared the shit out of us.  (Seriously.  What was up with that?  That bit in the opening credits where he comes out of the coffin and his bandages go flying - jesus).

Mmmm-mmm...

Lion-O was my number-one guy for a number of years.  I flirted briefly with Real Life Crushes (had my heart broken for the first time at the age of five by Gary Clements, then again at eight by my friend Christian), and there was also a fleeting girl-crush on She-Ra: Princess of Power (although I think that was more of an "oh-my-god-I-want-to-BE-her!!!" thing), but none of the fleeting "ooh" moments I had could ever hold a candle to my Lion-O.  Not 'Captain Planet'; not 'Bucky O'Hare'; not even the whole of the 'Defenders of the Earth' gang; none of them...until we hit the 1990's and the X-Men TV show came along, that is.

'X-Men' did three things for me.  First, it made me realise comic books were cool (a fact I stand by to this day) and I was rapidly hooked on the whole shebang; secondly, I discovered that while the boys were quite handy at fighting and beating the Bad Guys, the girls were too (I wanted to be Jubilee or Rogue, I could never quite make up my mind); thirdly, and most importantly however, it made me realise I am a sucker for a Cajun-accented mutant with magic cards...

From the moment Remy LeBeau/Gambit rocked up on screen, all flirty with a shop assistant in the first ever episode 'Night of the Sentinels', and then helping save Jubilee ("with style, petite.  With style...") I was completely and utterly entranced.  Not only did my Gambit-fixation feed into my comic book love and start me off on that adventure, there was just...something about him.  Every time he called someone "chère" I melted, and the whole "on-again-off-again" thing with Rogue used to make me go all squishy.  (Tried hating her.  Couldn't.  Wanted to be her instead).  I was convinced it was the real deal between me and Gambit; we had a standing date every Saturday and Sunday morning, come rain or shine, and he never let me down.  Ever.

Plus I totally just found this on the internet (that first ever episode) and I don't care what anyone says: it's still cool and I still love it.  It's why I was so bitterly disappointed with the way they portrayed Gambit in that shitty 'Wolverine' movie (whichever one it was): my Remy deserves better than that shoddy five minute wonder he was given, even if Taylor Kitsch did make him Real-World sexy...

Gambit sustained me for several years, in between the odd flirtation with musicians (Nicky Wire in a dress.  Fucking hell...yes please...) but then along came teenager-dom and a boy who proved that, actually, there was more to life than superheroes (apparently).  At the age of fifteen, none of the 'cool' boys in school were interested in me because I was 'weird' (their loss, if you ask me) but there was one 'cool' boy who made me see I was wasting my time on them anyway because he was clearly The One.  I refer, of course, to the one and only Mr Trent Lane.

Oh. My. God.  Trent was amazing.  Not only did he look good (earrings!!  Goatee!!  Everything in a boy guaranteed to make a parent flip out!!) he was in a band, and that was just about the most exciting thing in the world to me at fifteen.  Why Mystik Spiral weren't more of a success I have no idea...But in all seriousness, Trent was it for me.  Even though at fifteen I knew crushing on a cartoon character was probably weird, I didn't care.  (Hey, one of my friends at the time had a crush on one of the 'Biker Mice from Mars', so cut me some slack here, ok?  At least Trent was human...)  I loved 'Daria'anyway - so refreshing to have a female character who was smart and funny - but Trent absolutely made it for me...

Trent Lane was my last ever 'Cartoon Crush' however.  By that time I was moving on to other 'Real World' crushes - some were still fictional characters, to be sure, from films or TV shows (hello Spike from 'Buffy'), but they also included guys in bands and people I knew at school (who shall remain nameless to preserve the author's teenage innocence.  Ahem...) - and somehow a two-dimensional drawing just didn't cut it for me any more.  Which is probably a good thing, now that I think about it...

There was still the odd graphic novel crush to contend with (Ed Brubaker-era Captain America and the Winter Soldier, for example, or  the brilliant Alex Maleev's artwork for Brian Michael Bendis' 'Daredevil' run), and the occasional literary one (the Vampire Lestat [Interview with the Vampire/The Vampire Lestat/Queen of the Damned-era] could have bitten me any night of the week), but mostly I liked my boys three-dimensional and breathing by this point.

Obviously I still do like them three-dimensional and breathing, what with necrophilia being illegal and weird and just plain wrong, but writing this has made me think back to all the slightly-weird fictional crushes I've had over the years and provoked a fair old wave of nostalgia.  My first literary-crush, for example, was John Brooke in 'Little Women'; quite what that says about me I have no idea (I have a damsel-in-distress complex?  Daddy issues?  God knows...) and I was ever-so-slightly resentful when he finally married Meg (I mean she got her shoulders out in public!!  Hussy!!!)  Going from a Civil War hero to the Vampire Lestat probably says more about my precarious hold on sanity than it does anything else, and the less said about some of my other literary/TV/film crushes the better, but I look back fondly at Troy, Lion-O, Gambit and Trent and consider myself heartily satisfied...

Please excuse me, I have some shows to watch.  Now where's that sword gone...?  THUNDERCATS HO!!!

'Non Timetus Messor': On the Passing of Sir Terry Pratchett

Confession Time.

The first time I ever read a Terry Pratchett Book, I hated it.

I was about seven or eight at the time and someone, probably my Grandad, had bought me 'Truckers' at the school book fair; after perservering with it for several chapters I quietly put it back on my bookshelf, never to be looked at again. Maybe I wasn't ready for it, or maybe 'Truckers' just didn't grab me in the way the Discworld novels would later on, but whatever the reason I'd made up my mind: thanks but no thanks, Mister Pratchett, sir, your books are not for me.

Fast forward to sixteen year old me in the library, three years into my desperate crusade to read every high-fantasy and/or vampire book in existence. Arms laden, I wandered down the shelves like a woman possessed (which, incidentally, is pretty much still the way I react in libraries or indeed book shops), eyes peeled for anything which might grab my attention. One title, ‘Carpe Jugulum’ made me giggle; picking it up, I started reading the first couple of pages. That was it. I was hooked.

Now I read an awful lot (and an awful lot of dross, I’m sure some people would point out) and, like most people, I have particular favourite authors which I return to over and over again. I also have particular books or authors which I recommend to as many people as I can, like some bizarre kind of Book Doctor dispensing Literary Prescriptions. Feeling a bit blue? Pull out William Goldman’s ‘The Princess Bride’ and I guarantee you’ll be smiling within the first chapter (this was of course Before Chapters…) In the mood for a political thriller with added dragons? Allow me to introduce Mr George R.R Martin and his 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series. Searching for a fairytale with a kick-ass female lead instead of a simpering princess? Neil Gaiman's 'The Sleeper and the Spindle' is the book for you. Like your vampires to be a bit more apocalyptic rather than Gothic or (god help us) sparkly? Justin Cronin's 'Passage' trilogy will meet your needs. I could go on and on and on; you need a book recommendation, you come to me, ok? I'll fix you up reeeeeal good...

There are only two authors I've ever recommended to people "just because". Just because they exist, I mean. The first was JRR Tolkien. The second, naturally, was Terry Pratchett...

Yes, after our slightly inauspicious start (incidentally, I never did go back to Truckers) I became slightly hooked. If a book appeared with the name "Terry Pratchett" on the spine, I was there; whether it was a Discworld novel, a collaboration with Neil Gaiman or the 'Long Earth' series with Stephen Baxter. The Discworld series, however, became my favourite of his creations, and with good reason. Only Terry Pratchett could take something serious like feminism ('Equal Rites'), Shakespeare ('Wyrd Sisters'), the music business ('Soul Music') or politics (take your pick, really) and make them side-splittingly funny. Maybe I just wasn't ready at eight to appreciate his sheer genius-ness, or maybe it's just because the 'Truckers' trilogy isn't quite the same as Discworld, but once I started reading them I couldn't stop. And not only did I find myself laughing hysterically, I learnt things as well.

Obviously my favourite character is Death, although given recent events I may have to reassess his position in my affections, but I loved the Witches too and occasionally found myself wondering if Granny Weatherwax ever fancied an apprentice. But while there may be some books I love more than others the Discworld has always been a place I found solace, laughter, tears and the occasional "say-what-now?!!" And it genuinely hurts to know there won't be any more.

Sir Terry Pratchett wasn't only a great literary light, he also seemed to be a thoroughly bloody nice bloke and was a tireless campaigner for Alzheimer's awareness. It's a truly horrible disease, robbing people of their very Self long before it takes their life, and I know I wasn't the only person rendered desperately sad when he announced he had been diagnosed with the condition. I watched the two-part documentary he made about his "embuggerance" in 2008 and was touched by both his compassion for fellow sufferers and his absolute determination to do everything he could to assist with finding a cure. Now, alas, it is too late for him, but perhaps his outspoken campaigning on the subject - not to mention the substantial financial donations he made - will one day be instrumental in finding a cure for others.

My heart breaks for his family and friends, although I rejoice somewhat in the news that he died peacefully at home, hopefully with Thomas Tallis playing in the background as he wished. It may seem odd to weep for someone you never knew but I did, just the same, when I heard the news. I wept for the loss of a great gift to the world of literature, and to the world in general, and for the death of a man who still had so much to offer before Alzheimer's and death itself intervened. And I wept, selfishly, for the fact that barring a few already-finished, to-be-posthumously-published books, there will be no more.

To quote from 'Mort': "People don't alter history any more than birds alter the sky, they just make brief patterns in it."

Thank you, Sir Terry, for the brief patterns you made in my sky, and for the many, many hours of joy your books have bought me over the years. You will be sorely missed but you will never be forgotten...

Tiptoe Forwards, Jump Back... (International Women's Day 2015)

As today is International Women's Day it seems quite appropriate that part of my "catch-up TV viewing" from being on holiday has been the excellent Amanda Vickery's 'Suffragettes Forever!  The Story of Women and Power'.  Being something of a feminist (that may be a rather obvious understatement) I wanted to watch it to see how far we'd come - in actual fact watching the series, especially in light of recent news events, only shows how depressingly far we have to go.  I mean over the past couple of days alone there's been furore over a documentary about the rape of a young woman in India; the news that a call regarding domestic abuse is made to police every minute; and Nicky Morgan, the Education Secretary, going on TV this morning to talk about how we need to educate eleven year olds about the issue of consent in relationships.  Fuck-a-duck!!  I don't know if I'm more depressed about the scolds bridle and wife sales shown in Professor Vickery's brilliant documentary or the fact I live in a world where slut-dropping is considered a fun thing for young men at university to do of a night out.  (Google it.  Actually don't.  It's not worth your raised blood pressure).

Take the documentary about the rape in India, for example.  When a female student and her male friend were attacked in Delhi in 2012, the world was horrifed.  The young woman was gang raped and brutally attacked, dying as a result of her injuries some days later.  Indian justice was swift, and the Powers-That-Be were stunned by the protests which took place across the country as a result of the attack.  Case closed, at least until a documentary was shown last week featuring an interview with one of the attackers who is currently awaiting execution, in which some serious, serious victim-blaming went on.  It was all the girl's fault, you see, because 'nice girls' don't go about after dark.  Plenty of people jumped on these comments; plenty of others immediately dismissed them as a "cultural thing" and intimated that such "backwards" thinking would never take place in the enlightened West...

Except it sort of does.  

When footballer Ched Evans raped a young woman in a hotel room, the fact she was drunk was highlighted by his 'supporters' as a reason for the whole incident - if a girl is that drunk, the rhetoric went, then she probably did say yes and then felt guilty the next morning.  If she hadn't been drinking, she wouldn't have been raped.  The same thing happened when two US college footballers had their careers "ruined" after being convicted of rape - again, the fact the girl was drinking was seen as playing a huge role in the outcome.  Every time a case of rape is reported in the media you get people (mainly men but not always) implying the victim "asked for it" or "made it up"; there will be comments about what she wore or what she'd said or what she did before saying "er, actually mate, I don't want to have sex with you".  And how many times have I sat in classrooms over the years and been told not to walk home by myself after dark, not to let my drink out of sight in case it gets spiked?  I must have sucked up all kinds of "lessons" over the years about what was "safe" to wear and where it was "safe" to go, and yet I must have missed all the classes telling the boys to, y'know, not rape people.  Oh right.  Because they don't exist.

And actually this whole thing isn't just putting pressure on girls to not get themselves raped.  I feel sorry for boys too, if we of the female species are so devastatingly, ravishingly alluring that just the mere sight of us makes you all want to drag us into the nearest hedge/bed /wherever and rape us.  Maybe the Taliban were onto something with that whole "women must wear a burka" thing after all...I mean come on, people, get a grip!  We live in a society where half the population is still objectified and dominated by the other half, where a topless girl is considered an essential part of a family "news"paper (Breaking News!!  Women Have Tits!!!") and where Fifty Shades of Grey is feted as being "mummy porn" instead of the paen to abusive relationships it actually is.  I don't get it.  It is 2015, right...?

While we're on the subject of "Things That Make Me Mad", I found out from Amanda Vickery's programme that rape in marriage was only made illegal in the UK in 1991.  1991!!!  That means it wasn't until I was nine years old that it would have been illegal for my father to rape my mother, and this in spite of us supposedly moving away from the idea of women as the 'property' of men!  Good lord, I thought such Dark Age thought had been smashed in the Sixties; just goes to show that even when you think you know stuff something can still come along to pull the metaphorical rug out from under your feet...

I sometimes wonder if the bright, brave and brilliant early feminists would take a look at our supposedly equal society and wonder if it was all actually worth it.  If the likes of Josephine Butler, Hannah More, Mary Wolstonecraft and the Pankhurst women were to pop to 2015, what would they actually find that has changed?  Yes, women now have the vote and can stand as MPs, but the vast majority of the lawmakers in this country are still men.  Yes, the Equal Pay Act has meant it's illegal for women to be paid less than men for doing the exact same role, yet statistics repeatedly show that women are still earning less.  And yes, women can now get an education - have to, in fact, what with that being the Law of the Land - but it's still a world where women mainly work in low-paid, relatively unskilled jobs and still go home to do the majority of the housework and childcare.  (Obviously I'm generalising; I know there are some men who do their fair share but they seem to be few and far between).  Women now have control of their sexuality (Breaking News!! Women Have Orgasms And It Doesn't Mean They're Hysterical!!) but that sexuality is still defined within the contexts of what men find acceptable; woe betide the girl who doesn't fit that model or refuses to conform to the archetype of female sexuality which is shoved in our faces at every opportunity.  (Girl in underwear advertises coffee.  Because coffee = sex.  What, don't you orgasm every time you drink a cup?)

I look back at these incredibly brave pioneers with immense gratitude - if it wasn't for them and the many others like them, I wouldn't be in the position I am today.  But I also look at my own generation, and the ones which follow it, and despair.  Where are the younger girls, or even the women my age, standing up and challenging the status-quo?  I know they're out there but they seem to be few and far between; feminism is still considered a dirty word and several of my younger acquaintances repeatedly tell me "we don't need feminism; it's all been sorted, yeah?"  Bloody hell, even Beyonce - who is pretty much the definition of Girl Power with her business empire and her Independent Women song and all that - says she's not a feminist.  Beyonce!  How could you?!!  We need women like you to stand up and go "RAH!" to the patriarchy, not go "I believe in equality but I'm not a feminist (because feminists are all man-hating lesbians and that's not my bag, yo).

Bloody hell.  I'm so depressed I'm going to read Caitlin Moran and play Bikini Kill at top volume...

Before I do, though, I'm going to celebrate some (deeply personal) past, present and future role-models...  

My great-great-great (and possibly one more great, I can't really remember) aunt Laura, who at a time when women generally didn't apply to the courts for a divorce decided she'd had enough of her husband's abuse and violence and did just that.  She won, too.  Reading the transcript from the Court was pretty mindblowing and incredibly painful, but she had a lot of courage and I am suitably, epically proud of that.  

My Mum, who taught me I could be anything I wanted so long as I was happy; who loves me unconditionally and who raised two kids while working full-time as a single mum.  I am incredibly proud to be your daughter and can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me.

And my god-daughter Bethany, who is not only the coolest 13-almost-14 year old I know, but who gives me hope that the future of feminism is in good hands.  She is very much her own person (sometimes a little too much!) but I have no doubt she'll succeed in life because she has the determination, grit and sheer bloody-mindedness of her mother and grandmother.  Here's to you, Button, and all the girls like you who won't take any crap from anyone.  (Just please listen to your mother when she asks you to do something, ok...?)